Monday, January 29, 2001

Boring, Rehashed, Warmed Over Rummance

Most run-of-the-mill romance love stories are quite predictable.  We are all aware that the endings are predictable, but did you know that the characterizations are predictable as well?  There are a few stock characters that authors fall back on.

Usually the girl is popular, hot, intellectually adequate but not great, no marketable talents or skills, commonplace, possibly blonde, well-accepted in middle-class liberal arts society, drab, bland, boring as hell.

Usually the guy is the opposite-- interesting, fun, assertive, employable, fascinating, had an unusual childhood, might even have gone through some trauma or worse, and has a story to tell.  (Oops, I do that all the time; I'll think of something but I didn't mean for it to rhyme.)

He might be a knave; he might be a pirate; he might be poor and had to do hard work all his life to work his way out of the poorness.  He might be from another culture, while the girl is blonde, generically white with no discernible ethnic identity, or something like that.  He might be a scientist or a dork, while the girl is popular and/or has never heard of science.  He might be an alien.  Something out of the ordinary.  That's why I liked that TV show, “Dharma and Greg.”  It turned these assumptions on their heads.

Ross and Rachel from "Friends," Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet's characters in Titanic, pretty much any movie Gwyneth Paltrow is in, Goodwill Hunting was kind of.  Homer Simpson is fat and all-around repulsive while Marge Simpson is a very kind and reasonably attractive person.  Even "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," as fun a movie as it was, resorted to this same cliche.  The main character was a rich girl spoiled brat that screws some poor, broken, homeless guy who lives in a cave.  Michelle Yeoh's character was awesome, but her soul mate died.  The governess/servant lady was awesome, but she died.  The person that got to live and was never required to be nice to anyone was the spoiled rich brat.

Like in "That Was Then, This Is Now" adolescent book, there was the rich girl who has never faced an obstacle in her life, never had any challenges.  She spewed some philosobabble bullcrap about being afraid of fear or some sh’t.  Or in other examples you have the requisite good-girl-bad-boy hackney that makes me go violent and want to stab something repeatedly.

Cyrano de Bergerac.  Beauty + the Beast.  Give me a damn break.  The pretty girl and the ugly guy.  It is so tiresome.  The girl is popular and mainstream and boring.  But in addition, what this translates into is that she is weak, vulnerable, timid.  You see, the differentness of the guy character gives him strength.  The fact is he can see things from a different vantage point, he has a wise, informed world view.

Usually if the roles are reversed, it is a pathetic second-rate settling-for of the way characterization is in the first situation.  A shadow and an aimless travesty of role reversal.  The girls in these stories almost always have that the only out-of-the-ordinary thing about them is that they are whores.  Slightly unhinged, few-screws-loose nutjobs who can't keep a job or feed herself to save her life.  It’s usually some sort of massive sexual indiscretion or deviance. Bloody broken abused all their lives, weak, no one respects her, but worse than that she does not respect herself.  Other than that disgustingness,  however, there is no quality about her that would actually be characterized as interesting.  She did not major in something fascinating or useful in college, if she even attended college at all.  She is not from a foreign ethnic culture that has close-knit family and traditions.

And the guy is a suit-and-tie-insurance agent.  In other words, the guy might be the boring one here, but he still manages to be the strong one.  The guy is on top of things, in charge of his own life, he manages his finances well, he has very few vices; he is the one who decides what direction his life goes in.

I remember reading a review about some book that someone wrote, where it was the latter sort of sad excuse for a good-guy-bad-girl situation.  The female character was like a crackwhore or something, and she had slept with hundreds of men.  And she was mad that the guy was judging her, she was mad that the guy had issues with the fact that she was a slut.  She called him a hypocrite.  And then she starts accusing him of not liking strong women, or not liking women who are in charge of their own sexuality, some shit like that.

Ah, excuse me?  No, the guy is not a hypocrite.  He has never been a crackwhore.  He didn't go around sleeping with hundreds of people.  At most he has slept with maybe a handful of women, that's it.  And he is very much in charge of his own sexuality.  You know why?  Because he doesn't spread it all over town.

This was not the only book I’ve heard of that was like this.  I don’t even bother reading these books, because I can predict correctly how they will end.  The “judgmental” guy learns to be open-minded and tolerant, and the crackwhore female earns the approval that she desperately wants from the guy.  Even though she claims she is a strong woman in charge of her own life, so why the hell is his opinion so damn important to her?  And they live happily ever after.

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